So I've finally done it.  I've eaten everything I wanted and finally gained too much weight to the point where I've started not fitting into a lot of my clothing.  Let's face it though, I've had a stressful couple of years, what with my grandmother (the matriarch) of my family passing away, moving out of the house for the first time into my own apartment with my boyfriend, getting yet another new job, finding out I have more relationship issues than previously thought and then moving yet again except into my own house (with aforementioned boyfriend who despite his many fuck-ups is someone I'm finding it hard to live without) I haven't had a lot of time to really focus on myself.  

Also I haven't had much time to think about my mental state as well, I've never believed myself to be depressed or anxious, just nervous, about a lot of things.  However within the last few months Chanel has opened my eyes to the world of anxiety and depression and I've unfortunately come to realize that I might be slightly afflicted with both (but really who isn't?).  Now as an adult I've only just realized how much these anxious thoughts have affected me.  I used to get nervous when I would go in for a job interview or when I had to go to the store by myself or when I had to meet my Boyfriends friends or at New College around all my other fellow students.  It's strange too because around that time I was so scared of new people, things, and places I was also the most fit, beautiful, and intelligent person I think I might have ever been.  Looking back recently at the pictures of my mother and I's trip to Paris I noticed how glowing I looked in the pictures, barely wearing any makeup, my hair askew all the time but a smile on my face as if I couldn't even imagine where I was.  And I remember when we were there how much we walked, everywhere!  I remember carb loading every night at every restaurant we ate at and never feeling fat, bloated or full because of how much walking we'd done during the day.  I was never tired either but always got so much sleep.  That's what I want again.

So I decided to do it.  Insanity.  Now, to preface, I've tried to start Insanity before but never really got past the first week and a half.  The first challenge, then of course, will be if I can make it past the first month, and then onto the famous second month!  However, I'm very determined, as determined as I was when I first lost all my weight when I was 15 and my soccer coach (Ahh Coach Shane, the man who treated us girls like we were men) held a training camp over the summer break and had us running only a whopping 3 miles a week but mixing it with lots of lunges, squats, triceps dips, sit-ups, push-ups, and variations of soccer drills.  He's also responsible for getting me off of soda (which I am grateful for to this day, I'm only a water, occasional tea and coffee kinda girl now!).  But it was that summer and then that ensuing soccer season that helped me lose the weight I had gained. 

The sad thing too is, after high school I joined the all women's gym Shapes and took a kickboxing class only two days of the week with running in between and was still able to keep off the weight (but the teacher who taught it who by the way was amazing moved to Chicago to pursue her dreams of opening up a fitness studio and I didn't much like the routine the replacement teacher had).  At that time I was a whopping 138lbs!  I know that doesn't seem very small to some people but it was to me because I remember a time when I was 14 when I was nearly 180lbs.  But it was less about the weight to me and more about the way I felt at that time, so good, so absolutely healthy, so glowing and radiant in all my cute clothes.  That's the feeling I want again, to feel good inside and out about who I am, what I'm doing and how I'm feeling day to day.

So now, I'm probably around 165lbs.  I hate saying it, but it's probably true.  However, if I did it once, I can do it again!  And, I think it always helps to picture the light at the end of the tunnel, which for me is a romantic 7 day western Caribbean cruise with my man next June (and of course all the sweet tropical resort outfits I get to wear!).  So this is it, I finished day one of Insanity (Cardio Circuit) and only had to stop a few times and I'm starting to feel better already!  Only 59 more Days to go!  And tonight we may celebrate with a free bloomin' onion at Outback but beyond that maybe not too much food (although I've been reading other testimonials saying that you should keep your calories count high on insanity given that you're burning between 400-600 calories per work-out).

Anywho, below are my dreaded before pictures but at least I'm decked out in some cute training gear courtesy of Lululemon, Nike and Target. :)

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